


Bob's Discount Dark Lore

by Cryptovex



Category: Magic: The Gathering (Card Game)
Genre: (or Bob Odenkirk), (or Graham Stark), Best read in the voice of Grunkle Stan, Gen, If Ravnica can have subways and coffee it can have public access TV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-11
Updated: 2020-04-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23593495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cryptovex/pseuds/Cryptovex
Summary: A TV spot for the Multiverse's greatest wholesaler of new and gently-used profane relics and spells.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	Bob's Discount Dark Lore

Has your Jinxed Choker been gathering dust since high school? Do the Lunarchs barely bat an eye at your Blasphemous Acts? Is your Yawgmoth’s Will more like Yawgmoth’s Won’t? Then come on down to **Bob’s Discount Dark Lore,** the Multiverse’s best wholesaler of new and gently-used profane relics and spells!

We’ve got Cursed Scrolls and Totems! Forbidden Crypts and Alchemy! Grimoires galore! Shopping with your kids? We got Dolls Stuffy, Creepy, and Heap! Picture- and board-book tomes! After-school tutoring from any demon you care to name!

New this month: a Banned and Restricted clearance section, overseen by assistant manager Spike! I’ve browsed through it, and let me tell you, folks, the nineties were a _wild_ time.

We’ve got six aisles each of Innistradi and Phyrexian goods! No idea what’s going on over there, but they’re churnin’ out cursed relics like _gangbusters._

But don’t just take it from me - listen to our satisfied customers!

 _When I was stuck on Zendikar with that God-damned hedron in my head, the only thing I wanted more than turning the whole plane into noxious ash was to see my old pal Bob again!  
_ _-Ob Nixilis_

 _Bob’s got the coolest shit around, and he doesn’t mind me doing whipits in the parking lot!  
_ _-Tibalt_

 _Robert of the Dark Lore delves heedlessly into depths he barely understands... he gambles with no grasp of the stakes or rules... such fools can be useful, or perhaps more trouble than they are worth.  
_ _-Death’s Shadow_

...Not sure what _that’s_ all about. I don’t even remember filming that last one.

Anyway! We’ve got over thirty locations across Ravnica, with more on the way! Just enter the undercity, follow the escalating sense of temptation and dread, and you’ll be here in no time! We're open dusk to dawn, all night every night!

**_Bob’s Discount Dark Lore: Greatness, At Unbeatable Costs!_ **

(Note: We are _not_ affiliated with Bhaark Dargin’s Dark Bargains. Our wares are thoroughly tested and and scrutinized, and will _not_ inflict any horrific repercussions beyond what is clearly spelled out in the waivers.)

**Author's Note:**

> The central hook of "Bob's Discount Dark Lore: Greatness At Unbeatable Costs!" entered my mind ever since I saw ads for Bob's Discount Furniture with their horrid puppet-homunculus mascot. The other ideas for the script lodged in my brain at 6 AM and would not leave.


End file.
